Four Bad Dogs Café: Part One

Today is Halloween and it is unseasonably warm for Northwest Ohio. As the sun begins to set, we bid farewell to the summer nights (trust me – this week’s blog is not going to be some sappy fare thee well to summer) and – well the Four Bad Dogs Café.

No not really – actually, we are introducing our next fantasy foodie … cocktail style! Four Bad Dogs Café? Did these amateurs get sick of the lack of culinary cuisine in Northwest Ohio, have a distant relative die and leave them a large estate, and unwisely enter the world of the restaurant business? No – we will leave that for another hapless fool couple. This is our one true fantasy – the rustic, bohemian restaurant with wonderfully fresh ingredients in (where else!) the Keys called Four Bad Dogs Café – and we mean our fantasy ‘cause it ain’t never going to happen! We serve who we want – when we want and the price is right -- FREE!

So here’s a story – of a girl name B----- who was busy bringing up two lovely dobes. Blah. Blah. Blah. Here’s the story – of a girl name C---- who was raising a dobe and a mutt on her own. Blah. Blah. Blah. Till the one day when B met C and they knew that it was much more than a hunch. That this group would somehow be the misfits – that’s the way we all became the Dobie bunch.

[Please note – B decided to sing this to me and I had to remind her that her Kindergarten teacher said that she “sang with enthusiasm” – mind you that this is not a compliment!]

So here is the story … B and I were both going through divorces and we moved in together. We both only anticipated having two dogs – well B had two – Kelso and Piper – and I had two – Tessa and Pirate. B: one boy dobe Kelso (very poorly bred – chest too deep, legs too long, roachy back, snipey nose, back legs posty… dog show peeps get the point) and one girl dobe Piper (the sweet shy girl). C: one girl dobe Tessa (she is the PRINCESS) and one boy “not a border collie” Pirate (we think he is brain dead but a VERY sweet boy). Not to mention our friend L who adopted a dobe named Bella who is at camp O’Bud a lot – she is very, very busy but soooo, soooo sweet. Needless to say – we have A LOT OF DOGS!

So it is cocktail season AKA summer when drinking warm wine is not very appetizing. We are sipping “welcome to Hooter’s Cosmos” (another blog) and as the alcohol seeps in the brain, we got the scathingly brilliant idea that we should name drinks after our dogs’ personalities! As Charlie says “you girls have too much free time.” Well duh – when you have the “bestest” friend in the world and never tire of each other, we just Yak, Yak, Yak about silly stuff all the time and it usually involves food. Naming drinks after our dogs? What a perfect Fantasy Foodie!!!

After much whining about having to compete against each other, claiming that B was much more of a collaborator than a competitor, I acquiesced to B. In truth, when I realized that we had six cocktails to prepare. If B and I were each to prepare competing cocktails, we would have to serve a total of twelve. I really didn’t think it wise to send our friends off after twelve cocktails – even if they were small samplers.

We decided instead to pair each cocktail (mind you – they will still be samplers) with a dish. In this competition, it is the cocktail-dish combination that competes. Our guests will vote on the best combination. It is not only the flavor of the cocktail, but how it works with a particular dish. B & I will work together (this time). But next time, it is an out and out war!

OK – OK – OK, this is the story along with the personalities:

Kelso: Kelso is a complete dork (not exactly PC). He turns circles when he needs to go pee. He barks at imaginary things. Smiles at people when you say in a silly voice “Kelso Smile.” He listens to me when “I’m am Heidi Klume and this is Project Doorway!” (said with a high pitch German accent). He is CRAAAAZY and lovable. Our friend, Crazy Mike, never can remember his name and calls him Calypso. Oh – did I mention – he has an obsession with licking his butt. The cocktail name for Kelso:

Crazy Calypso’s Cosmic Poo Juice

Tessa: Tessa or “Tessa Jean Binet” or “Tessa Anne Bourdain” (this is how we reprimand her for her antics in the kitchen) AKA Boodlicious (she likens herself to Paris Hilton – high class in a naughty sort of way) AKA too many names that we can’t even explain but there will be a “what would Tessa do” blog in time. She is a bitch (really) and a lovable one at that. She is also prone to seizures and glaucoma (bad breeding) but you would never know it. Instead, she wakes up every day with a burst of energy, which screams “What’s the forecast for today? More Petting!!!” But her most classic personality characteristic is how she plops (yes plops) into the teak lawn chair and looks at us as if to say “where is my f****n cocktail?” AKA:

Contessa’s Boodlicious Cabana Cocktail

Pirate AKA Petie AKA the Big P AKA Peedink (We find he just likes names with P): We think he may have been traumatized by a bad life in the pound (his mother was exterminated) and a bad marriage or he just may be the dog version of Forrest Gump. It is really hard to explain because he sports the same expression no matter what. In any event – EVERYONE LOVES PETIE and let me tell you, we feel guilty for all you suburbanites that actually got a Jack Russell Terrier. We have to force Petie out of bed at 11:00 a.m. and he has a bladder of steel. Sleep is his God and food is his Jesus. Seriously, B went to China with her mom and we lent P to our friends Sean and Tony – he came back OBESE and sleepy. Now, every time Sean and Tony stop by, he looks at them longingly and seems to be pleading “take me away to paradise!”, as he tries to wedge himself into their car. The dog is a glutton and will have no shame when he goes to doggy heaven – he may even be the dog Messiah. His drink:

Sweet P’s Slow Gin Fizzle

Bella: Bella is the Michael Thorp of mistreated or badly bred or just unruly dobes. In her formative years, she was tied to a doghouse. Now, this girl can loop our 80 acres before our dogs can do one (and mind you – our dogs (except Petie) are athletes. We believe that she runs like this because she now can. In addition, she swims – yes swims, doggy paddle out in open water,. Now all you golden retriever owners don’t roll your eyes. Dobies are not prone getting in the water. Ask yourself, who is smarter? Some dog that incessantly jumps after balls in the pond or a dog that comfortably lounges in a chair on the shady porch. But Bella, she doesn’t swim to amuse her owner. Oh no, she loops the property and then swims (and drinks at the same time), then loops the property again. She is truly amazing. Yes – if this girl is going to have a drink (which is suspect because it might hinder her performance) – it better have CAFFEINE in it! Her cocktail:

Bella Donna’s Caffeinated Nite Cap

Piper AKA Pooty: OMG! This was the hardest drink to conceive – she is an enigma wrapped in a puzzle. She is calm, she is shy, she HATES human feet touching her, but she never has met a kitty that she didn’t love. She has this sad look on her face and she is prone to back up on you and gently put her foot on yours (but don’t try to do that to her – she will be gone in 2 seconds). She is a worrier and completely submissive to Tessa. Oh, and she smells like a coon dog. She is a good, misunderstood dog. It was hard. She is no stereotype. But I can’t help recall the listless Audrey Hepburn singing “Moon River” on her windowsill – that is Pipey and it called for her drink:

Pooty Golightly Champagne Splash

Four bad dogs? But there are five - Bella is just as special. And “who the hell is Glen’s Tiger Balls?” Well … let us explain! It was July and suddenly dead birds were showing up in the barn. Strange we thought, but the birds are vermin types, sparrows and starlings, we were DELIGHTED! but – was there poison somewhere? Nope – a cat staked out a claim in our barn. He is a big beautiful Tiger and he came neutered – some time later, our friend noticed that his ear was clipped – a sign of Humane Ohio, who neuters feral cats. We named him Barney.

A few days later, we were looking for Barney and we suddenly spotted him up in the hay piles. Sitting next to him was a petite, delicate, beautiful, gray cat; Barney had a girlfriend. “Great,” B said “that little girl is going to wander out of the barn and get knocked up.” There was no way we wanted a litter of kittens. “We have to get her spayed,” I said to B. But her current demeanor indicated that there was no way in hell that she would actually let us near her. Over the next few days, Barnedette was gone most of the time but showed up conveniently at dinnertime and ate Barney’s food while he passively let her. But she did start to warm to our presence (hey – we were the source of her food). One day, Barnedette turned up at dinnertime and turned around. We were quickly aware that Barnedette was not a she but a he. Awww – Barney is gay!

Meanwhile, friends of ours have a wayward friend named Glen, who is a cute, gay boy – young, svelte, but has been living at their house for quite some time. It’s never really apparent whether he really works or goes to school, but he has made himself a fixture in their minimalist house. When we discovered that Barnedette was a boy, B remarked, “great, Barney has a boy toy that shows up conveniently at dinnertime and eats all of Barney’s food.” I shot back, “I know! Let’s name him Glen.”

Glen was immediately (as soon as he would let us pick him up) neutered and is just the sweetest thing in the world. He is a lover! However, we could never forget that first time he turned around and displayed his tennis ball sized nuts. Hence the drink:

Glen’s Tiger Balls

Next step – creating the guest list! And the premise of the Fantasy Foodie experience is something we ultimately want to donate to benefit a deserving non-profit but we need friends on whom to practice, as we are amateurs and always experimenting on our friends. So if you want to participate and you actually read this blog – you may just be invited to this one … just leave a comment!